Is emotional communication between parents and children taboo?

In many cultures, yes, it’s still difficult for children to speak openly about how they’re feeling. This is particularly poignant in adolescence. Who among us hasn’t experienced the door-flinging tantrums of a self-centric 14-year-old?

      "YOU JUST DONT GET ME " 

Maybe even reading this, you rolled your eyes, and cast off an exasperated glare toward the apple of your eye, sulking even now on the couch, eyes on their smartphone. It’s something to make light of, but the truth is, we used to shout the same thing at our parents, and so did they, and so on. That’s what I mean when I say this is a generational taboo, and while it’s felt most pressingly in the kid’s teenage years, it actually begins much earlier, with the emotionally dismissive parent.

 Picture this: your four-year-old is crying because his older brother got a funnier-shaped piece of pie. To you, the parent, this is absurd. It’s funny, and you soothe them as well as you can, just hoping for the tantrum to go away. As anyone who’s looked after a four-year-old knows, this will happen fairly quickly (thank heaven!), usually giving way to another tantrum in the next five minutes.

  But what if I told you that piece of pie is related to the teenager slamming the door? That piece of pie lays the groundwork for every passive-aggressive “I’m fine” of your child’s next fifteen years.

 By dismissing and trivializing the experiences of a toddler, we’re essentially telling the child that what they feel doesn’t matter.

Why does this happen?

Obviously, we all want to think we’re good parents, good educators, and good communicators. The truth is, a good parent is constantly aware they could be better. In other words, there’s no shame in admitting that maybe you don’t always listen when your child tries to talk to you – hey, we’ve all done it! – or that you lose your patience after the twenty-fifth random outburst this week.

 A great help, for me, at least, was realizing it’s not so much about who I am now, but about my own childhood.

 Often, parents who have a hard time communicating emotionally are emotionally starved children. Maybe your own parents taught you to avoid certain “bad” emotions like anger or sorrow. Maybe they taught you that talking about your feelings is New Age navel-gazing. Or maybe your child’s own sorrows reflect your own, and you’re trying to avoid them.

  In other words, it’s not on you. And yes, you can change.

Why should you ?

Conscious emotional communication between parents and children has a plethora of benefits, on both sides.

 1. Children who can’t communicate develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. Research has found that children whose emotions are dismissed or undervalued have a higher chance of developing “bad behavior”. This can mean aggressiveness towards other children and even bullying. Why? Because a child’s relationship with the parent is his primary model for socialization. You’re teaching your child how to be a person in the world. And when you teach them that negative emotions are “bad”, or that talking about your emotions is weird, their behavior will reflect that. On the other hand, researchers have found that children with healthy parental communication have a higher chance of developing healthy, positive coping mechanisms. Children who can talk about their feelings openly will be more attentive to those around them, kinder, and more compassionate. Because someone, in turn, was compassionate with them.

 2. Their mental health will suffer. We talked earlier about moody teens, and while we may joke about it, it’s actually quite a serious topic. It can seem to us, as parents, that these children suffer from imaginary problems. I mean, obviously, when you’ve got a job, dishes, groceries, and other chores on your mind, you’re not going to take your child’s problems seriously. Even with older children, we tend to dismiss their problems as unimportant. What’s a pimple outburst when you’ve got a mortgage? Except to them, these problems are every bit as vital as your mortgage. And because of fluctuating hormones, and all those other things that make adolescence the lovely time it is, a teen is going to see their problems as 10x more tragic. So they need to be able to talk about their problems with someone who views them as actual life-and-death problems. Otherwise, they feel unheard and unimportant, which is a sure-fire recipe for anxiety, and depression.

 3. You’re condemning their future relationships. When a child feels they can’t talk about their emotions, or that their parent is emotionally unavailable to them, this will impact all of their future peer interactions. To put it simply, a child who grows up in that environment becomes an adult who thinks “well, why should I tell my partner I feel neglected? It won’t matter”. Because it never mattered to the parent. Even worse, when we punish or try to suppress our children’s negative emotions, we tell them that’s how everyone will react. We teach them, essentially, that being sad, angry or needy makes you unlovable. So, as an adult, your child will be afraid of expressing those emotions. Because of this, children who don’t establish good communication with their parents are at risk of developing antisocial, avoidant tendencies. So while it might seem a small enough matter now, your child’s future may be at stake.

What can you do? 

Alas, this is a pervasive, sneaky problem. It’s not enough to say “oh, I’ll stop doing that”. Often, this emotional dismissiveness, as we saw, is rooted in your own childhood, and your own trauma. So an important first step is taking a closer look at your own past experiences, and trying to understand that.

 Another thing you need to do is pay attention to your own tendencies. Be mindful. It’s a simple trick, but incredibly powerful. Maybe you’re not able to properly engage with your emotional child in the moment – you can’t just flip a switch! – but maybe you can acknowledge, once temperaments have cooled, that you reacted wrongly, and rectify it.

 Finally, make a conscious effort of speaking openly to your child. Acknowledge their feelings. If you need, equate their seemingly insignificant problems to your own. If dealing with an older child, this honesty goes a long way. Sit them down and admit your own difficulties with emotional communication, because trust me, seeing your parent is human and capable of mistakes builds trust and encourages openness like nothing else.